As The World Turns

Several days ago, my boss come to me and asked if I knew someone. He looked very sad and something wasn't right. Then later I found out a friend of his and someone who is popular in our very small community had died the night before from a heart attack. Later I had the chance to ask more and found out the guy was only 42. Man was he young. That struck an old raw nerve, something I had buried.

For the last year or so, it's been frustrating having to adapt to a new place. Having to restart your career all over again. Working in place full of 20 year olds and wishing you were 20 also. The spirit is willing and the flesh just ain't there anymore. So mid life crisis in hand, the search for the holy grail began, what exactly I still don't know and probably will never know. But this news gave me the impetus I needed, for it reminded me of how the fragility of life can be so precious.

2 years ago when I was still working in the gym, I had just finished my workout, had chatted to a co-worker, someone I was beginning to get along with well. I then went to the locker room to drop off my gear and went back out to get a drink. As I approached the drinks counter, I saw a group of people crowding around. Someone was lying on the floor. It was the co-worker I had just chatted with minutes earlier.

I made my way to the front of the group to see what had happened and to my surprise and horror it was the guy I just chatted with moments ago. There was already some people attending to him including a doctor who was a gym member. It slowly dawned on us and finalised when the doctor said its most likely to be heart attack.The movies don't really show anything.

I will never forget the agony on his face, his pain, he couldn't talk, he couldn't lie still and kept reaching for something, someone. We did our best to make him comfortable, tough when he was struggling. We waited for over 20mins before an paramedic and ambulance crew arrived, it was an eternity. Just as the crew got here, he stopped breathing and was motionless. It was all so surreal, seeing the crew apply CPR and try to rescue him. Even a portable defibrillator didn't help.

The image of him being wheeled out of the gym on a strether, a paramedic straddling him applying chest compression is etched in my mind forever. We later got news that although they managed to revive him in the hospital, he later died. He was 50 then. Most of the staff were pretty glum for awhile after that. Being the macho men we were (I was a Trainer then), outwardly we just looked normal and moved on. Inwardly, I was in a turmoil. The suddenness of the demonstration of mortality had struck a nerve.

Now I realise that day was the turning point in how I saw life, although I probably didn't know it then. Before, when I was younger, I was reckless, carefree and immortal. I'm still carefree, the recklessness has been toned down and I'm now very mortal. I am reminded of that mortality every single day I look in th mirror and seeing the noticeably thinning balding hair, the additional wrinkles, energy levels that are not what it used to be, the expanding waistline.

But I'm just proclaiming myself to be a victim of circumstances. I figure I still have 20 good years left in me, if my heart doesn't give out first. I've the benefit of not only school but also 40 years of hindsight, I hope can remember it all.

Answers will never be found. Just get going and move on, celebrate the future and respect the past.

And go for a physical every year.