Wednesday, April 27, 2005

mid life crisis ...

I'm stressing myself out.

I guess its really crunch time and I'm being crunched.... by myself

1)big project I'm working on and I can really feel it and I'm not happy about it.
I dont like the pressure. some people can cope with it. I can cope too but I hate it.
and when I hate it, i dont enjoy the work and i produce crap as a result.

2) maybe because also at the back of my mind is should I stay or migrate.I have the pressure, opportunity and ability to go elsewhere.
hot or cold, two extremes.
here its nice comfy, hot, warm, recognizable, safe
there its cold, cold,unknown, unknown
maybe I should go to just experience life outside of here.
thing is I'm too clingy to what i have right now... sigh....

3) I dont know what i really want to do right now. there is no sense of direction. of a destination to reach for.

so when all 3 adds up, it sucks big time.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Religion again?

It's happened again.....

Sometime ago, due to excrutiating pain from gout in my wrist (which rarely happens and why there? Even the doc said its rare to have it there) i visited a doc at 4am only to watch the news after I came back(something which I rarely do these days after discovering digital cable and the additional Discovery channels......)on the telly the same night that Pope John Paul II had died (go find and read earlier blog).

Yesterday night, for some strange reason, i decided to change to the CNN news channel (again rare event for me nowadays)...

And lo and behold a new Pope is elected

Why couldn't I get the news from the front page newspaper the next morning like everyone else?

Why should I tune in at the moment the news was going out live?

But what really hit me, was the that the new Pope had chosen to be called Benedict XVI

So you all now know my name....(WHY did he choose that name?) really re-started in Aug 2003, when during basic training, i invited Him into my imaginary abode (part of a workshop exercise), I also won't forget how at age 12, I prayed like crazy that I would pass my PSLE exams. Which I did despite the fact my Chinese 2nd Language sucked big time, it was so bad I wondered how I would ever pass. Those were the days before the exam points thingy came in, so it was only pass or fail (if anyone reads this and can enlighten me on how it was marked then, let me know) I was in a Catholic School then, and the church was right next door. Before I forget you readers don't know, I'm not Catholic or Christian in the traditional sense, i.e. never been baptised. But this Christianity thing has always been at the back of my mind.

But since clearing that hurdle, it all went downhill, I did the church rounds and things then in school, not because I was genuinely into religion, but it was more of a social thing for me, school mates hanging out. My GCE exam came along and I did everything but my exam results sucked.Last time I went into a church to rpay was ....hmm..... since I left school. If I said how many years you'd know my age :)

It didn't help that my mom converted from Catholic to Buddhism later (original reason why I went to a catholic school in the first place)...

It doesn't help that I'm probably having a mid life crisis, where do I want to go from here?

So it's come around again.

But i don't like the new churches, I feel its more like a convention hall (at least here in SG). My old church at school has been torn down to make way for a spanking new building. I suppose I'm very much of a old building junkie, I like old buildings especially gothic ones. I like quiet and reflection. A place I can go anytime but not feel lost.

Not too long ago, I attempted to visit my neighbourhood church, I used to be able to go in anytime, the doors where always open. They were now locked with glass doors. Can see but can't go in. No wonder the cathlic congregation is dwindling. Main reason why I didn't get baptised as a Catholic was because I found out I had to go to sunday morning catethism classes for so many months or years, I cant remember how long. I also didn't really like the regimentation of the Catholic church (no chicks for priests! and the anti-regimentation lean which was reflected in my Army days and even now), but I don't like the non-Virgin Mary bits of the Protestant camp either.

Maybe I should set up my own church? Midway between the Catholics, Protestants and the Charismatic camps.

Haha... probably be the biggest sinning pastor there, if traditionalism is to be followed.

But who knows? Maybe this is my calling.

Sunday, April 17, 2005

SR theory

doing the unthinkable again
thinking while riding on the bike
probably downright dangerous
as I'm operating on autopilot
brain's not on the road... and conditions
but what brot me away was i finally had a eureka moment
SR theory for positive reinforcement
I knew the drill
just didnt put theory to practice
so nows my chance
step 1 - use the Palm!

Monday, April 11, 2005

Date Patrol

recently i chanced upon a coupla things on the telly
one was a long lost love (sorta) , well actually a coupla long lost loves
car repair and model making, two things I used to do a lot during my (ahem) younger days and of which today society and civilisation has taught me to forget them cos it might be better to be clean than dirty, watching them mess around with dinged up cars sorting them out, building models which i used to build....sigh memories but its stuff i need to get back into!!!!!!

The other show which really really caught my attention was Date Patrol
first time I saw it i cringed, i wanted to change channels, i couldnt bear to see what sort of embarrasment the poor guinea pig would have to go through, wat a cheesy show i thot, getting this guy to go on dates, doing stuff i would never do, dressing up which i would neva do.......................

HANG ON, wait a minute!

isnt these the stuff that I need to do exactly????

stuff like straightening up my posture, my attitude, dont slouch, shoulders back chest out, feeling the energy centre, (what ever happend to my TKD???)

stuff like having the confidence to talk to anyone about anything anywhere, speaking clearly AND SLOWLY (my biggest fault)

stuff like dressing right and lookin right (time to use the hair gel)

I had cringed cos that was ME, that geek on the tv, only thats the tv version
the real one was sitting here watching his own reflection and it aint pretty, i learnt a lot in one episode

today was episode 2 and I learnt ooooo eeeee yooowwww a way to relax my stern face..:D

I'm having more and more fun watching this, damn I hope they sell the series on dvd I need to buy the whole lot

cos this is exactly what i need!!

Sunday, April 03, 2005

why am i here

this question has been bugging me, knawing at me, eating me from the inside out
i am searching for this holy grail of life
i am hoping that if i do find the answer to this it will give me a reason to live
as it is i am juz plugging on a day at time, with no real aim or purpose
other than to exist, this existential living is like cage
i dun feel a real freedom
i've realised i scowl and frown more and more each day
its easy, just let gravity take its path
it will pull all yr facial muscles downwards
so why am i here
its funny
last nite i had a mjor gout attack
it got so bad despite taking my oral med it wouldn't let me sleep as it was so painful i was actually grunting
i finally went to see the doc for a jab and paid a bomb for it
coming back home turning on the tv i saw that the pope had died
sheer coincidence that i was kept up all nite in pain?
funny i had been thinking of going back to church
if only for finding out what i am meant to do on this earth
so why am i here

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